Friday, October 28, 2011

"Books I Will Never Write" ... by Michael Little

"Writers write." This should be engraved on every writer's computer keyboard and legal pad. Not only is this two-word sentence true, it's terse. "Writers write." Subject. Verb. It's a tight little sentence, a constant reminder that less is more.

Writers also cook. Apparently. They talk about their writing projects as if they are pots on the stove. One writing project is on the front burner. It may be boiling. It may be simmering. It's cooking. And for every project on the front burner, there are several on the back burners, waiting their turn.

Above my writer's stove there resides a list of stories that will never even make it to a back burner. They don't have to wait to be rejected by an agent or editor, for I myself have rejected them.

They begin as vague ideas for stories. At some point in the early dawn of their creation, before the sun rises in the islands, before a single word of the story appears on the computer screen, I leave them behind. Only one small task remains for these rejected story ideas, to give each a title, so that they may take their place on the list.

It's a long list, but here are the top ten titles of books I will never write. Others, of course, may have already written these books. I wouldn't be surprised.

Please feel free to add your own titles. Why should I have all the fun?
1. Teenage Vampires in Love
2. Teenage Zombies in Love
3. Zombie Cowboys from Outer Space
4. Jane Austen's Vampire Secret
5. The Girl With the Zombie Tattoo
6. The Girl Who Kicked the Vampire's Nest
7. Charlie and the Zombie Factory
8. Fear and Loathing and Zombies in Las Vegas
9. The Vampire Also Rises
10. A Farewell to Zombies


  1. Awe shuck! You mean to say you're never going to write that Zombie Cowboys from Outer Space book. Big mistake! I suppose you are aware that you're missing out on your chance of being on the New York Times best sellers list.

  2. A Farewell to Zombies?
    A Portrait of the Zombie as a Young Vampire?

    Oh, this is fun :-)


  3. The Tale of two Vampires?